Wal-Mart Ball

Posted on November 15, 2010

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The future of America's favorite brain-injury sport

In the shiny happy future of the 41st Millennium, “football” will still be played. It will be played for the glory and honor of the Holy Imperium of Wal-Mart (along with subsidiaries: Wal-Mart Disney, Wal-Mart McDonald’s, Wal-Mart Google, and Ma’s Old-Fashioned Wal-Mart General Stores/Genocide Factories).

The rules are the same as the football you know, with some minor tweaks:

  • The game is played on a field of LED-fibers. This means the line of scrimmage and the first-down line will glow right on the field, and won’t have to be artificially inserted in the TV coverage. More importantly, advertisements are able to constantly flash on the field, so sponsors won’t miss out on the stadium demographic.
  • The LED-fiber field is smart, so whenever the resinous material that the football is made of comes in contact with the field, the fibers will change color to red. We can see down to the millimeter where the football was downed!
  • The ball contains both a computer and an atomic clock inside, with a display face reading out to 1/1000th of a second. As soon as the computer determines the ball is downed, the clock inside the ball, to which stadium clocks are synchronized, will stop.
  • Unshatterable cameras are placed on players’ helmets, shoulders, thighs, and feet. This allows an unprecedented level of accuracy when reviewing plays, as the footage feeds directly to the officials in the booth.

Upon further review, there are some bigger changes to the game:

  1. Quarters now last one minute. The reduction in the game clock is the natural result of the progressive evolution of the game’s rules that has brought us necessary (but time-consuming) things like the Miller Lite Evry-Play-Revue.
  2. The Miller Lite Evry-Play-Revue happens in between every play. The clock stops and officials filter and review the fantastic amount of footage produced on the last play. Routinely, the game clock is adjusted a few thousandths or hundredths (in exciting cases, tenths!) of a second and the ball is moved up or back an eighth of an inch or two. Players view relevant footage on the micro-screens that are stitched into the back of their gloves, which allows them to adjust their play for the next down. Finally, each head coach, backed by a fleet of on-field football lawyers, presents their case (along with tailor-edited footage) for how the play went down, and the head official on the field makes a ruling.
  3. The game now enters the exciting pre-play phase! The teams get a limited amount of time (10 minutes in college football; 15 in the pros) to further review footage and consult with the offensive coordinators, who hover above the field in helicopters (in gathering recon footage for each play, they are only allowed to come within 30 feet of the field). At the end of the allotted time a play is chosen, and the cycle continues!

And that’s really it. There are other things, of course, like stat-based salaries–you don’t know electrifying entertainment until you’ve seen a QB’s helmet light up like a slot machine, showing the amount of money he just earned from that 80-yard pass–and how halftime is now called the Greater Verizon-Comcast Two-Minute Warning, but let’s not bog down in details.

We know, because the Walton family tells us, that all these changes have been implemented for the good of the game. It’s flabbergasting to think how inaccurate “football” used to be! Go ahead. Think about it. Flabbergasting.

Wal-Mart Ball is the perfect sport: not a moment is lost or unaccounted-for, and it’s indisputable that that’s what makes it the 12th most popular sport in the United States.

Don’t forget to text “Sacked!” along with the player you want fired this week to 54545!

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Posted in: Game Drafts